Should I join the military /k/?

One of the most frequent (read: daily) occurrences on /k/ is the constant nagging question of "Should I join the military /k/?" or some variation thereof.

First order of business
DO NOT JOIN ANY BRANCH OF THE MILITARY IF...

...you hate the idea of fools and morons being in charge of nearly every aspect of your life.

...you are not a morning person and could never imagine getting up earlier than 5:00 AM.

...you don't think "Because I fucking said so!" is a good enough reason to engage in stupidity.

...you have issues with killing innocent people or supporting the efforts of people who do.

...you think blindly following tradition and the status quo is a terrible idea.

...you have any nagging physical injuries that keep you from pushing yourself to your limits.

...you are struggling with depression or other mental issues that cause you grief.

...you are married, or like the idea of monogamous, faithful relationships.

...you can't walk 12 miles while carrying 45 pounds, run 5 miles, or do at least 60 push-ups.

...you've been told that you think too much for your own good, or are fiercely independent.

...you hate paperwork, government regulations, bureaucracy, and statism.

...you loathe the idea of being treated like a high-schooler who needs constant counseling.

...you think this is a good career move, or hope that it will change you for the better.

...you dread pissing in a cup under observation on a bi-weekly basis.

...you believe mandatory vaccinations are unconstitutional.

...you detest corruption, cronyism, good ol' boy networks, and institutionalized brown-nosing.

...you have aversions to being hungry, cold, exhausted, hot, injured, or unappreciated.

...you think hazing and harassment should not happen in the workplace.

...you are counting on the VA to take care of you after the service is finished with you.

...you want the ability to walk away from a job without becoming the equivalent of a felon.

...you can't stand the thought of losing 30 IQ points and a leg after your truck hits an IED.

...you like keeping a schedule and think the workweek ends at 4:30 PM on Friday.

...you'd hate to live with and clean up after drunk, rowdy kids in a rat hole of a building.

...you'd rather not have your haircut scrutinized by everyone on the face of the planet.

...you want to preserve your hearing, your knee cartilage, and your mental heath.

...you've watched a documentary on prison life and thought, "Damn, I'm glad that's not me."